Imposter Syndrome

The title of this post is Imposter Syndrome - it seems to describe me. However, maybe I'm just not cut out to be a scientist. 

I don't feel adequate. I don't feel like a STEM student.

Today was my second day of my research experience - something I felt excited about engaging myself in.

My professor today asked me what a buffer was - I forgot. I said some stupid answer and she just looked at me and I felt that I didn't belong there. I forgot basic general chemistry: PKa, conjugate acids and bases, etc. I felt so stupid. 

I am working in a biochemistry lab as a biochemistry student - underneath a genius laboratory professor who is highly regarded for her research on biochemistry.

I felt so dumb and I was depressed. I still am. I feel ashamed that I don't know the basics of science and even more ashamed for even thinking that I could go to medical school, much less transfer as a biochemistry student or even take the MCAT. 

I have lab tomorrow at 10 and I am just frantically packing the basic stuff of chemistry back into my head. I don't know what I'm doing here - I feel as if I got in just by luck. 

I feel as if I am wasting my professor's time and the time of the entire laboratory. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this. 

Frustrating..

Sometimes my mother is extremely frustrating and she says no to everything I say regardless of whether I'm providing her with answers to her questions. "Regardless, it's no." "No, no, no, no, no."


She is extremely negative and I am afraid I won't be able to be independent or grow up as long as I'm in this house.. My brother and sister have all the freedom in the world to do as they please. The only reason that I've had some leniency is due to the fact that I'm studying for something that's within what THEY want. In terms of having the freedom to travel and explore, I'm extremely limited and trapped.

This is probably because I'm the youngest. Well, if things do not work out with the trip that involves me and the other friends in our group, I'll just buy a plane ticket by myself and just chill in a state. I'd probably visit Portland.

Off to study for biology now.

With much love,

Elisa

Back on the Blogging Grind?

Ah, it's already April!

I'm going to keep this very short tonight - I think I may have peptic ulcers.. (stomach ulcers) so I'm feeling horrible and there's a lot of pain shooting up and down my back and GI tract. GOSH.

So far, I have gone to my interview for my research position and will be notified by the end of May whether or not I made it. The interview was a bit shaky - very shaky.  I wish I could have prepared more for it but oh well. A lot of my personality was present - I laughed during formal situations.

Other than that, I have a few exams coming up this week and then  it's Spring Break! HOW LATE AND LAME IS THAT.

Maybe I'll take this opportunity to visit my beautiful friend kreature and my other beautiful friends. I'm keeping hope alive. Also, Mary and I might be taking a trip during the summer - east coast style! I'm excited. Chances are that we'll probably not follow through with it...



Goodnight!

With warm regards,
Elisa

One down, one to go!

Hello readers,

I turned in my research application for the City of Hope today! I am so excited and relieved that one application has been sent in. The fact that I requested letters of references from my faculty and sort of bonded with them makes this entire process worth it. Getting accepted, is more like taking the whole cake!

I still have one more application to turn in by Thursday, and that's going to take some time. It requires more typing and all that jazz so I'm just pacing myself. Right now I have to study for my math test tomorrow so wish me luck, I am going to need it!

Other than that, today was super fantastic. Really. It WAS! I got a perfect score on my biology quiz (which I thought I didn't..), talked to my biology professor about traveling to Egypt, and was able to meet with my counselor and talk to her about getting another letter of reference.. She told me she laughed and that it was funny. I am an idiot.. LOL.

I'm off to go study now. Goodnight babies and good luck studying for finals! You guys can do it, I believe in you. UC babies have it rough though :'(

With much love,
Elisa

Seriously, Jinjums? ONLY YOU

Today, I waited outside the post office  near my house for roughly forty minutes. I felt like an abandoned puppy awaiting her master to come back home.


I received a letter of reference from my counselor today and was so stoked. I couldn't wait to mail that baby out and get on with my life. Really, I couldn't wait.

I ended up dropping off the sealed envelope with only the college as the return address into the drive-through mailbox (outside of the post office). My mom realized that I DIDN'T PUT A STAMP ON IT.

JESUS.

I DIDN'T PUT A STAMP ON THE ENVELOPE. I lost it. I was losing it. I am slowly losing bits and pieces of my sanity. I don't know how much there is left. I frantically texted Tiff during this thirty minute lapse - all the while groaning and laughing at my own stupidity. I chuckled to myself, "Only me.."

Seriously, only me. Why do things like this occur in my life. After waiting for a good fifty minutes,  no one came out and the post office was closed. It closed 40 minutes ago. Why did it not occur to me to go in?
Simple: I was waiting for a beacon of light in post-man form to open the mailbox and gather the letters.

Silly me.

I eventually sent an email to my counselor, expressing my apologies and embarrassment of what just occurred.  This ordeal seems somewhat comical and fictional. However, it's real. And it would only happen to me.

I'm going to bed. Goodnight!

With much love,
Elisa

Stomach bug, really..

Well, as you can tell by the title, I am feeling like total shit. No euphemisms, no banter of ANY kind, I am not feeling good. I feel nauseous, woozy, dizzy, upset, tired, and anxious ALL at the same time.

I was feeling sick yesterday as well, and I knew.. ahhh why must I be sick. AND, I have been victimized by the Swine Flu, Whooping Cough, weird illnesses and shit prior to this.. why..

On a really really good note, I had brunch with my sister, mom, and dad; brother missing as usual. We were near the water so the ambiance was great and the food was a little mediocre, but we were paying for the view. After consuming my almond crusted trout with jasmine rice and spinach, I felt queasy. Apparently for a stomach bug, you should try to stray from: caffeine, juices, and fats. All which I consumed for breakfast, leaving me completely drained by the afternoon.

On top of that, I had to drive back from Irvine and I was literally half asleep. For a split second, I thought I was going to crash and you know, kill everyone in the car, but by divine intervention, I made it.

I'm trying to catch some rest but my mind is awake and my eyes are tired. So, I will be trying to do some work but I feel nauseated and shitty, for lack of a better word. I don't know what I'm thinking by updating this blog rather than using my energy to do important work. This is it for tonight then. Adios.

With much love,
Elisa

PS: THIS SPRING FORWARD SUCKS

March 5th, 2014

Dear me,

Hello, me. Today, I spent the majority of my time thinking about my future relating to medicine and going to medical school and etc etc. I have decided I want to become an oncologist.

To be continued because I have to study for biology.. wheeee